did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
