Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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