my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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