I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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