How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
