I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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