I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
