I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize