In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
