Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
