There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
