1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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