So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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