thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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