: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
