Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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