woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
