I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
