There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
