Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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