im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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