I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
