so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
