Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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