I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
