Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
