I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
