And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize