His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
