I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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