our cab driver is having phone sex.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
