he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I cut my penus on the lid.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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