I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
