btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i was born a porn star she said
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
