OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
