I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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