Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
