I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
