I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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