I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Everclear isn't food dammit
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
