My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
