new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
