i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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