he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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