I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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