If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
