I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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