Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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