i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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