I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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