I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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