If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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