Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
